"Didi! It will be 72 hours today...." my brother sounded perplexed over phone (rare situation) and paused before saying "we have made a decision" I controlled my tears, and tried not to sound choked and said "I am aware, I was hoping it doesn't come to this." Last four days were truly puzzling and deeply disturbing for me, I could barely remember getting a peaceful shut eye without an auditory help.
My cousin, who is five years older to me, suffered Multiple Sclerosis, since 2004 (that's what I remember) and in theory we knew there is no cure for it. People just have to wait and watch. But, since it was not too bad, his life sailed by until now, that is 2022. Four days ago, he was taken to emergency care for his infection/fever that was not getting cured and three days ago, he was shifted on ventilator, for which as per given hospital guidelines, we had to make a decision, whether or not to pull the plug!
They say when one is about to die, life flashes in front of their eyes, I wonder if that is true for my cousin right now as well, because according to medical science, ventilator helps to keep you alive, when majority of the organ systems have given up. Although, my lifetime moments with my cousin surely flashed in front of me! Our families stayed in little less than a joint family arrangement, so I had lots of those in my memory banks! my fondest memories were he was afraid of dark, until he was well in his teens and I was not since I was a child; so he'd hold hand (showing off); only later I realized that he's afraid so he is holding hand while we cross darker lanes/electricity cuts happen. When he grew little older, his friends became my elder brothers too (equally protective and possessive, but super caring) and they'd sort of keep an eye on me everywhere in the neighborhood. I still remember, I was barely 8-9 yrs old and VCRs were rented, so were the movie cassettes; he and his friends planned to chip in and watch movies over vacation. Apparently, there was a romantic scene where I would've been uncomfortable; so I was given instructions to not question forwarding the cassette when it is done, and I obliged the troop! Once a guy, who used to attend tuitions with me tried to behave inappropriately and I mentioned this to my mother. My cousin overheard this and brought this guy home and gave him an earful peace of mind, my aunt and my mother had to intervene before it became physical.
Thinking all of these, I could barely sleep; another sleepless night. In the morning, I scrolled through messages in the hopes that he has recovered and being moved to regular room, but I guess I asked for too much. I found messages that they have not yet pulled the plug but need to make a decision. I got ready and before I started for office, I offered my usual prayers. Then I remembered the monologues (often in dramas/movies) people have with deities which usually work! I decided to have same. Tears flowing my eyes, I spoke in broken voice... I free my cousin from my end from my Rakhabandhan, on behalf of my aunt, I beg you to free him of the debts of son, I beg you to free him of societal debts.... you are God, you are capable of everything, can you please not put us in this situation of making this difficult decision and free him too? I guess, I did ask for too much that day, but I felt liberated.
So many times, we hear the term, pull the plug; we rarely use it. In fact, for a longer time, I did not even know what it means for real, since I always heard it in terms of revealing the hard truths, and here was the hard truth..... My other cousins, my younger brother and someone else had to sign that form of pulling the plug. The agony, despair and the grief all were anyways following, but now they were intense as we made the decision. I did not know back then that life has more such lessons planned for me in future.
I learned that decision to pull a real plug will never be an easy one; no matter how practical and cold one is; I still question myself for the times which followed, if I did it right or not; but as someone involved in decision of pulling the plug I learned to ignore everything else and rely on real time practicalities and logics (it hurts most times) to save the future despair!
Looking back, none of the moments have been forgotten; I even remember the meals I had on each of the days while going through these times, conversations I made and I relive the moments when I have time, with the thoughts of learnings received as a part of bigger scheme of events. Today, I got reminded of the incidence as something happened and everything flashed back in front of my eyes.....to pull the plug of memories.....
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