Lost and Learned

Last night I was about to sleep at midnight after devouring a few episodes of a long time favorite web series and by habit checked my phone for emails; before I close my eyes; in case, I need to prioritize something for morning; of course, I checked my other social media accounts too, and found a school friend typing a million thank you(s) for her birthday on July 4th. I just typed "Go to sleep now" and  kept my phone down. Next minute my phone rang, thinking who this might be; I saw this was the Birthday girl; quite surprised I picked up and asked if everything is ok (pandemic times; right?). She politely mentioned she just put her younger son to sleep and now is able to return my call that I made earlier today. I said oh its ok, you should sleep now, but she wanted to talk. I told her how I missed the old times when we used to celebrate her birthday; we spoke for a couple minutes and hung up. After that (miraculously) I couldn't fall asleep....thinking about her birthdays we had celebrated together for over 10 years since school times. And the memory of one birthday is still perfectly engraved, as if it happened yesterday; usually I am not a person who'd remember minute details of the days, this one I still do!! I looked up the watch, it was almost 1 AM and still no sleep.... and suddenly I thought "there it is again!!" the July 5th; [ironic co-incidence is, this is year of pandemic year, plus it overlaps with a sacred Hindu festival (sort of) Gurupoornima; where we pay our tributes to our teachers for making us what we are today!! Usually, Gurupoornima for me is make some desert, make the offerings, pack it for friends, call teachers/mentors and spend day talking to them and usual work related activities. But since this is pandemic and July 5th, I am unable to come to terms with any of the ideas!] I remember this day to create a huge void in my life ever.... I lost my loving aunt on this day several years back ; and the memories of the morning of July 5 haunt me every single year so far! (And, as we all know by now, every emotion is amplified multitude of folds in the pandemic situation, and the sadness certainly tops the list for different reasons). It was really an early AM hour of July 5th when she breathed her last; I saw her going away from us; minute by minute, as I was staying in hospital with my cousins that night. I always wonder how life would have been (so different) if she was alive. My aunt was a perfectionist to the core. She won't really take up a task at all which she cannot complete with perfection; that included not just household; but, her job in telecom department, and raising her son as well. She was not just a jack of all the trades, but queen of the most! She was a great help for all her friends in the times of need, for they still don't stop praising her when they meet us anywhere!  (She just somehow left performing arts sort of untouched, I wonder why!)  She bore a bit of assertive, dominating (and yet feminine) personality. She treated me as her own daughter and always called me up (sometimes before my mother would) after my each exam to ask how did I write the exam, what I messed up. In case I ever delayed picking up the phone, she would ask that too; to ensure I was doing ok and also not wasting time doing something I shouldn't. She sometimes taunted me for not making perfectly round chapatis (bread), for leaving some pecks of dust uncleaned from the tabletop, for not keeping my clothes in correct orientation and folding; despite all these, I always kept her on the top tier of the respected and unsung heroes of my life; for she loved me as her own!! I miss her so much, I miss her making almost the first phone call on  my birthday (after we had one); making my favorite sweets; offering me extra jalebis for breakfast; instructing my mother over phone to cook me my favorite foods when I was throwing my PMS tantrums in my initial years of getting menses....and there's an everlasting list I can go on...

When a colleague cum friend had asked me last week, if we can host a lunch together for a student, on Sunday; I had approved with a nod, not considering the date; and so, I have to bag up my emotions, cook  a bit, hide my puffy eyes under a heavy layer of make-up and go for the lunch....  I did all of it today, As the day ends I watch the moon rising in the horizon, thanking all my teachers in life; I bow in front of the sky in the balcony and paid my tributes to my aunt as well; wishing she was here with me; to see me do decent;

Many times we don't realize what we have, crib about the relatives, often wonder why are they there in our lives, why do we or our parents have to be answerable to any of them! we just don't think while we crib about these things how different our lives would be if it these people didn't exist in our lives. Having lost a few of these, I now surely value relationships in general more; ensure to give them time, no matter what and try my best not to hurt them!
Lessons learned hard way for me; I hope it is not too late for all of us to learn without losing!