Atya aaji

I usually sleep deep at least for 4 long hours through night…I wake up around 3:30-4 AM every morning, depending on how motivated I am feeling, I get up and study/exercise/meditate or simply fall asleep again and then wake up only past 7 AM. November 29^th morning was no different for me, I woke up around 3:45 and then fell asleep again by 5 AM. My sleep was disrupted at 7:30 AM when my mother called me. She was away at a family wedding and for past two days I was getting requests to video chat with this relative or that, and hence I was obviously annoyed by seeing the incoming call. Although in my sleep I thought maybe she’s going to be starting her travel for home today, so she’s just informing and it’ll be only a minute-long phone call so I decided to pick up. The call lasted only 45 seconds when she told me that Atya aaji (my great aunt from mother’s side) is no more…. I had always heard/read about the feeling of gasping, being nauseated or/and choking during shocking situations. There it was for me…….; I had a huge lump in my throat that was ready to come out, but it did not! I felt I was sinking in some deep dark hole and I have no outlet. I was/am deeply shattered at many levels as I received this news.

Unconditional love, support and caring words, are a few basics I’d miss her the most for. I remember during my childhood days when we (other a few cousins of mine) were playing, she identified that one of us pocketed a few marbles and gave a nice piece of her mind to all of us, explaining how being honest in life triumphs everything else and I have never forgotten it since then.

Aaji also signified the sole meaning of an entire city to us in those times; as I heard Bhopal, it always reminded me of her, her home, which had quite a vibe (yeah, that’s what I’d call it). Aaji’s household had a wholesome character by itself, a big verandah and garden, which had guava, mango and other trees, and a terrace with one room kitchen arrangement, which was often frequented by tenants, who also had really good relationship with the landlady and landlord. There were little strict rules around the house; being Indore residents, we were accustomed to use slang while we spoke Hindi, it was a “big no” at aaji’s house. Since Bhopal used to be center of lots of exams and training center for my mother’s office work, we frequented going there and majority of times, I’d silently observe what aai and aaji are doing (they were mostly talking). I figured, they mostly talked about people and incidences from past.

I remember getting impressed when I was told that Atya aaji frequented radio station in her times and has a melodious voice. My best memory of her being a singer dates back to times when I took music lessons at community center as 8 years old, and once, when I sang an entire SARGAM correctly, the music teacher patted my back and said “Sunanda chi naat aahes na, nakkich chhan gaat asnaar” [Of course you sing well, since you are Sunanda’s (Atya aaji’s name which I got to know first time) granddaughter]. Over the years, Atya aaji had mentioned several times, that I sing well and should not stop learning. She often mentioned while pursuing this matter that she did not get enough opportunity to pursue her passion of music, and she regretted it.

Years passed and Atya aaji and I started having direct conversations, she would ask me questions regarding studies, about how my exams went and etc, always in a concerned but non-judgmental way. Now when I look back, that’s something I want to do as well, be concerned about someone, and not judge them. I kept in touch with Atya aaji, after leaving the country as well, and whenever I visited India, I made a trip to Bhopal to meet her and rest of the family we have in Bhopal. Atya aaji opened a door of historical events for me, something I knew I’d neither experience, nor would ever know those events by myself. Atya aaji was pretty close to her sibling, who was my maternal grandfather. She spoke about him fondly and would tell me stories about his wedding to my grandmother. Atya aaji grew up in what my other cousins would term as really ancient times, and she had an intercaste marriage in those times, so, she has been always a cool one for many of my cousins. She was friends with some who’s who kind of people from her college days, and therefore carried pretty interesting stories about them as well. Speaking and chit chatting to her in my adulthood was therefore so much more interesting (because I could comprehend so much)!

Atya aaji was one of the people who acknowledged aging and would repeatedly say toward the end, I feel tired more often, I don’t feel like eating, I don’t sleep too much at nights. In the era, when I see myself surrounded by people, who prefer to not age by hiding these problems, Atya aaji was a constant and refreshing surprise!

Now, that it has almost been a quarter, she has moved onto a further and hopefully better journey, I am trying to collect the shattered pieces of that corner of my heart, tears rolling down my eyes and remembering her laughter…. I sometimes feel the I’d dial her residential phone line which she’d pick up and I’ll get to chit chat with her again, laugh a lot, and she’d request me to sing…. Alas!! Someone has said correctly, like sands in an hourglass, we'll measure our lives in memories of you.... Rest in peace aaji, rest in peace...

Good Bye

Recently I read a quote on social media, which said "If you are brave enough to say bye bye life will reward you with a new hello" I liked the quote so much that I ended up making it my status for a bit. 

It also made me think in retrospect; in a span of past two decades, I had to bid adieu quiet a number of times. Each time, I have to say a bye, to friends or family I am a huge disaster!! I  wonder how many times we all have said good byes; sometime easy, sometimes difficult ones; depending on how much involvement someone had in our lives, and how life still goes on saying new "hellos"

I remember saying first bye bye when we shifted home, when I was a fourth grader; even at that tender age, I knew I won't have this close knit neighbors, close friends who are family and that was so true!! In the bigger and brand new house, which was fairly distant from the older place (in those times 10 kilometers was a big distance, especially if you were underage to travel on your own) and kind of suburb; I remember cursing the builder for constructing house this far!! It took me over one year to build some rapport and have friends once again who were family to us, not to mention, older friends and neighbors still remained in close touch always. Now when I look back down those memories, I smile and cherish those days, things were certainly easier back then than they are right now; minus the bye byes; they are equally hard for me; rather they've become tougher. I pretty much remember all the bye byes I have said so far; each time we changed homes, I relocated for job/study; in India or in US. I distinctly  remember my last night before I flew from India to study abroad!! My close friends had come to say goodbye in the evening through night; one of them even stayed the entire night and we just kept chit chatting and shedding tears of joy and sorrow; she and I we both were happy on my admission into PhD, and we were both upset about me going all this far away that I didn't know when I'd get to see her the next. I told her not to come next day at the airport as I won't be able to hold up again and she kept her promise. I made a great number of friends, who I still am in touch with and we connect every now and then! 

I also remember after I finished my PhD program, I moved all the way from Ohio to Massachusetts, (driving a significant distance of ~850 miles). I were to drop a close friend to the airport a few days before my trip, we decided after she checks in, we'll hang out a bit at the airport and say a proper good bye! But I almost abandoned her at the airport; for, I didn't want to say a good bye to her. Later, when I had to leave, I decided to start at an early AM hour, since, I didn't want to meet people right before and cry, that was my defense back then; skip the goodbye to the place and the people; oh trust me, it didn't help much. The need for closure kept haunting me for weeks together! 

I moved back to India sometime ago, and it was extremely tough! Leaving the family I made by myself, who I'd have never known if I didn't come to this country; the very thought was killing me. I still wanted to let all the people know that they mean a lot, and organized a party a day before I moved; for all I felt back then and know now, it was a cathartic exercise for sure, but gave me a closure, that helped a lot. Since then I realized that avoiding good byes was never a good thing, ceremonious or not, there should be a proper good bye, merely a handshake, or hug/kiss, waive; whatever makes one feel genuine and authentic. We should certainly practice it, express the feelings to the loved ones, what they mean to us; it certainly is difficult, displays our vulnerability, I'd say it is yet fulfilling and satisfying experience. 

Good Byes are not ending things forever between people, they are mere expressions to let each other know, that we had a good run; you mean something to me, you've been part of my story of the life. Today, as I end this post, I am thankful to all those people who helped me saying goodbyes, and kept in touch forever.

Lost and Learned

Last night I was about to sleep at midnight after devouring a few episodes of a long time favorite web series and by habit checked my phone for emails; before I close my eyes; in case, I need to prioritize something for morning; of course, I checked my other social media accounts too, and found a school friend typing a million thank you(s) for her birthday on July 4th. I just typed "Go to sleep now" and  kept my phone down. Next minute my phone rang, thinking who this might be; I saw this was the Birthday girl; quite surprised I picked up and asked if everything is ok (pandemic times; right?). She politely mentioned she just put her younger son to sleep and now is able to return my call that I made earlier today. I said oh its ok, you should sleep now, but she wanted to talk. I told her how I missed the old times when we used to celebrate her birthday; we spoke for a couple minutes and hung up. After that (miraculously) I couldn't fall asleep....thinking about her birthdays we had celebrated together for over 10 years since school times. And the memory of one birthday is still perfectly engraved, as if it happened yesterday; usually I am not a person who'd remember minute details of the days, this one I still do!! I looked up the watch, it was almost 1 AM and still no sleep.... and suddenly I thought "there it is again!!" the July 5th; [ironic co-incidence is, this is year of pandemic year, plus it overlaps with a sacred Hindu festival (sort of) Gurupoornima; where we pay our tributes to our teachers for making us what we are today!! Usually, Gurupoornima for me is make some desert, make the offerings, pack it for friends, call teachers/mentors and spend day talking to them and usual work related activities. But since this is pandemic and July 5th, I am unable to come to terms with any of the ideas!] I remember this day to create a huge void in my life ever.... I lost my loving aunt on this day several years back ; and the memories of the morning of July 5 haunt me every single year so far! (And, as we all know by now, every emotion is amplified multitude of folds in the pandemic situation, and the sadness certainly tops the list for different reasons). It was really an early AM hour of July 5th when she breathed her last; I saw her going away from us; minute by minute, as I was staying in hospital with my cousins that night. I always wonder how life would have been (so different) if she was alive. My aunt was a perfectionist to the core. She won't really take up a task at all which she cannot complete with perfection; that included not just household; but, her job in telecom department, and raising her son as well. She was not just a jack of all the trades, but queen of the most! She was a great help for all her friends in the times of need, for they still don't stop praising her when they meet us anywhere!  (She just somehow left performing arts sort of untouched, I wonder why!)  She bore a bit of assertive, dominating (and yet feminine) personality. She treated me as her own daughter and always called me up (sometimes before my mother would) after my each exam to ask how did I write the exam, what I messed up. In case I ever delayed picking up the phone, she would ask that too; to ensure I was doing ok and also not wasting time doing something I shouldn't. She sometimes taunted me for not making perfectly round chapatis (bread), for leaving some pecks of dust uncleaned from the tabletop, for not keeping my clothes in correct orientation and folding; despite all these, I always kept her on the top tier of the respected and unsung heroes of my life; for she loved me as her own!! I miss her so much, I miss her making almost the first phone call on  my birthday (after we had one); making my favorite sweets; offering me extra jalebis for breakfast; instructing my mother over phone to cook me my favorite foods when I was throwing my PMS tantrums in my initial years of getting menses....and there's an everlasting list I can go on...

When a colleague cum friend had asked me last week, if we can host a lunch together for a student, on Sunday; I had approved with a nod, not considering the date; and so, I have to bag up my emotions, cook  a bit, hide my puffy eyes under a heavy layer of make-up and go for the lunch....  I did all of it today, As the day ends I watch the moon rising in the horizon, thanking all my teachers in life; I bow in front of the sky in the balcony and paid my tributes to my aunt as well; wishing she was here with me; to see me do decent;

Many times we don't realize what we have, crib about the relatives, often wonder why are they there in our lives, why do we or our parents have to be answerable to any of them! we just don't think while we crib about these things how different our lives would be if it these people didn't exist in our lives. Having lost a few of these, I now surely value relationships in general more; ensure to give them time, no matter what and try my best not to hurt them!
Lessons learned hard way for me; I hope it is not too late for all of us to learn without losing!

Pandemic, lock down and etc(=Uncertainty)

While having a conversation with family and friends over video call, I could sense a great deal of anxiety in their voices. I am the only Biologist, (not just by training, but also with a functional career) across most of my family and friends circles; and hence I have been getting this question a lot lately, What happens now? When will there be a medicine? When will there be a vaccine? I am truly amazed at overload of information, suddenly all of them have on different aspects of the virus world and the clinical trials; of course thanks to social media/news channels! This is when I started thinking, there has been pandemics in past; what is it that's making this one so different? And that's when it stuck me, over days of thinking, we have almost nothing to look forward to!!.... It is as if all of a sudden that we were informed that there's this virus, which follows respiratory tract path, and is deadly in nature, we need to follow social distancing to prevent an outbreak! Would we still have been this anxious if we were not under this lockdown to maintain the social distancing?  Fast life, career goals, appraisals, and promotions at work, fancy cooking for house parties, potluck dinners, gossiping for adults; and,  swimming, skating, riding,  Tai-Kwan-Do, karate, abacus, and other tuition/classes; for kids... everything just came to a halt all of a sudden.....eh!! Did I miss something from the list? (May be, I did, but these were the toppers). Suddenly we went from having an extremely tight schedule to almost no schedule; for we don't need to pack lunch for our respective spouses, kids; they all are engaged on different screens for a regular period of the day, but at the same time, they can work in their PJs, eat when they want. So, what is so different? I attribute my (not so Scientific) opinion to Uncertainty!! For our smoothly paced lives, where we always knew if we invested 10k a month for next 20 years, we'll get .........ks at the retirement, suddenly market fell and has shown that we might not get those many zeros; kids might not get admission letters to the "ever-desired/dreamed" places; we might not be able to visit our dream destinations we planned for our milestone birthdays this or even next year; some of my friends are stuck in India, and they are wondering when would they get a chance to go back to the land of opportunities and vice-versa. 
Oh, no no, no!! I don't plan on throwing those wise advises at you for overcoming the issues!! Rather, I just tried to understand why all of us are so much scared of uncertainty? I do remember a clear life path that I carved mentally for myself only after I turned sixteen, it did have plans A/B/C (Of-course that also had uncertainty factored in); but until I turned sixteen, I took everything as it came to me!! Uncertainty was a huge fun for me! I used to like surprises and instant changes! Until then I was uncertain on what would be the outcome, that included doing/not doing assignments; getting notes and punishments from school and parents; girlfriends; guy-friends; crushes and everything else!! We (in those times) didn't really worry about what will be the long term effect! Now, I am worried!! Is uncertainty (tagged with worries) a feeling; and come only with age? I worry about my investments, I worry about my family, in different parts of the world; I worry about people stuck in different places not being able to go home, I worry about parents worried for kids, I worry about people who don't have home and are uncertain if they'll get food tomorrow! In short, I worry too much!!
To sum up; this pandemic has brought us lot of uncertainty and lock down has given us huge windows of time to think about uncertainty (as apparent from my usual vague blog). Having an idea how small Coronavirus is in size bringing this great deal of uncertainty also worries me! I feel uncertain; do you feel too?

Little Champs

I am sure, several of you, including my friends are not going to like this post of mine. But, few forwarded text messages over messengers and Facebook posts have got me thinking and this is the only vent out! So, what is shaking in that pea sized brain of mine is what is the future of our little champs? A few of you have guessed correctly from my title itself, I am thinking about the celebratory stars of this era!! The sudden flood of reality television shows of "prime-time" and the cute, little participants of these reality shows are on the the central stage of my mind lately. I have this friend, whose child is suddenly on national television with best ever Bollywood dance moves. Out of the blues, I see my FB wall full of posts and inbox full of messages appealing the online votes for his child for making him star. I am surprised, he even messaged first requesting and then demanding,  "I know you are very busy, but please vote" those messages continued for over a week! I was surprised and kept thinking how would it matter? And why should I vote? Just because this is my friend's child? And what is the "advantage" for this child? All these questions took me long back in time, down the memory lane, where I was a teenager and by default all kids of my family friends were much younger than us, it was cute to watch them, hear them recite poems and act like their grade school teachers. However, after a point of time, when it became routine process, I stopped enjoying it, and they also eventually grew out of it. Now, as I turn TV on, I see at least ~20 kids performing per channel in several reality shows. I do appreciate talent in all of these kids, somewhere I feel we all as a society, are fueling the talent in an extremely unhealthy competition into idiot box, and getting nothing out of it (or may be little out of it; I hear every now or then that so n so singer/dancer was on that talent show; but such events are really rare), I do agree that it is a great platform to showcase their talent too, but can we please just showcase it and not make a competition of it? Like who's the best out of those six kids? I've seen my family cry when some of the good kids get eliminated and they cry. Certainly they are under tremendous pressure for what levels of competitions they face!! I've seen parents mourning on screen when their kids do not make it at entry or the last level, which certainly makes kids feel the worse!!  I am a believer of the idea that "if there is no competition, there's no progress", but what kind of competition is this? Does getting to sing as a professional playback singer or dance for a movie work as an ultimate goal? With all these on my mind, I have been wondering with question; "Are we making a good citizens for society? Am I the only one thinking that these kids with superfluous talents probably deserve less stress?"
Like other blogs that I write, this one is going to end open as well, open for your comments!! Just with a quote, when you compete with others, it makes you bitter, when you compete with yourself, it makes you better, So, let's make our little champs better; not bitter!!

Swear

I was recently sent an Indian stand up comedian clip over phone and enjoyed every bit of it and felt Indian stand up comedy has progressed exponentially over the period of time in last decade! The last stand up comedy show I remembered watching was Season 2 of Great Indian Laughter challenge; which was kind of fade compared to first season, as usual. Since the clip I was sent recently was on Youtube as well, I explored more of it and came across many other stand up comedians, discussing the relevant topics of the Indian society; however I was surprised at the frequency of the "F" word being used by all these people with a few differences (they used it in regional language; so not exempted); One of the people used this word close to 6-7 times in a three and half minutes clip. People who know me even a little bit, are aware of the fact that I usually don't prefer usage of such words in my presence. Of course, I am not an authority on everyone and I don't expect the world to follow my rule; however, the question that came to my mind is, has Indian youth become so immune to these words? I remember when I came to USA, back in 2007, I was accustomed to say word S***t for everything that went wrong; I mean, S**t! experiment didn't work; or S**t- S**t- S**t! chemical spill! What do I do?  Only until I came across Sarah, an undergrad then, who became a close friend and now;  she's soon to be an accomplished and compassionate practitioner, who told me that these words are bad words and shouldn't be used. We collectively made a rule that bad/swear words aren't allowed in lab, and we implemented it on everyone including our boss/mentor;  I followed the linguistic decorum of lab until I left the lab. May be it was the environment I was in Ohio, or whatever, I can probably count hearing (In real life) the word "F" on fingertips of one hand in six years! And I made a naive  mistake of believing that rest of the world follows same rule made by Sarah in the lab. I came to Northeast and realized the cultural difference in every sense, including liberty of using swear word in every possible way it could have been. We, fortunately have a bad habit jar in the lab, where we drop coins if we use swear words, just to minimize their usage. Someone working in corporate did tell me though, if I came to their office with an empty jar, I can make a month's salary out of it; not feeling guilty at all.
Now, this was just a background of my association with the swear words; the real brainstorming topic is, when and how these words entered the Indian social systems, where a stand up comedian can't finish a sentence without using these words multiple times and catch laughter! I know the homologous words in Indian languages are available, Ch****a being one of them, MC and BC versions of these words have been in use; and since these words are downmarket for our current Indian youth, they use "F"! Extent that I have experienced in real Indian life around me is like that's F""ing  awesome!; That's full of S**t!; F-F-F!! What do we do now?; Sometimes I hear combinations like that's F""ing S**t! I also heard a sadder version as "Aga Bai F" from a  Maharashtrian and was taken aback!!
I did ask several people why do you use these words? A simpler version of answer is we can't do anything, so it is F for Frustration! I did little research and figured educated people use swear words more commonly than uneducated ones! I have to agree to this as I was in an argument with an acquaintance and she mentioned, oh! What's wrong in it? and (she being from IIT), IIT students use it every so now and then!! (As if IITian standards are to be followed for words in trend!)  Or AIB roast; most likely Roadies too, or something where the Bollywood stars use these words left right and back! (I didn't watch any of AIB, but heard from ppl); Also I saw an interesting post on a friend's wall on facebook about AIB saying if Indians are not matured enough to tolerate language, they should re-think progressiveness of their minds, may be India is not yet ready to go places! Really? Using swear words is going to take anyone or the whole nation places? I wonder if MK Gandhi, Mother Teresa or Vivekanand used these words to go places!
These words don't make situation any better, rest assured; but do they give a satisfactory feeling to users? There are mixed indications that they do for the time being, but it doesn't last longer and to reinstate, they keep using the words again and again! It is more like eating cheetos or doritos, once you have them, you want to have more of them!
There was a time in life where saying the word "Yaar- Sala/ Macha (Tamil equivalent)" in front of the family members was pretty offensive and I remember my mom's/aunt's scolding eyes and now, entire generation is using these words without any fear; to be mature, to be progressive? Whyy?
As a child, we were all taught (anywhere across the world) that don't listen speak and see bad! In my opinion, all of us should try to stick to that, not to display our maturity to rest of the world, but to keep an innocent childhood teaching we got!

Disclaimer: Everything stated here is based on real life facts; I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings!

Meghana's blog: Ghar ki Baat

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